Diary of a Lousy Housewife

Rock Bottom

Posted on: November 20, 2009

I feel right now like I’ve hit rock bottom. I look at my life and can’t really see anything that makes me want to continue. It’s odd, I always thought that the older you were, the more that your upbringing doesn’t affect you, but I feel like mine is affecting me more and more. I think back on now see how completely f’d up my parents were. They didn’t teach me a damn thing about anything. I saw dysfunctional relationships, anger and resentment that lasted decades, pettiness, and no real sense of how to be an adult. I remember shopping with my mom and watching TV with my dad. That’s it.

I’m sounding here like a spoiled brat whining about her parents, so I’m going to try and at least stop that. I just wonder if going from college to marriage in the span of 27 months left me without any period of independent adulthood. I’ve never lived alone. I’ve never done my own taxes. I feel like I know so little about anything and I used to think I was smart.

There’s some quotation that I remember seeing a few times over the years–I think someone at a workplace had it and maybe my mother-in-law as well. It’s something to the effect that it doesn’t matter how smart you are, if you don’t apply yourself, you’re wasted potential. That’s how I feel: wasted potential. I could have been anything, instead I’m nothing.

Over the last year, I’ve completely withdrawn from anything I enjoy or other people. The only things I still do is read escapist books and watch TV. I barely remember being outside this summer at all.

Right at this moment, I don’t know what to do. Mr. Lousy and I argued about the state of the house and I think for the first time he saw just how depressed I am. Even knowing that, however, didn’t change his feelings regarding the house. So here I sit, warring with myself. There’s part of me that wants to wallow in my depression, sit here on the couch, and eventually fall asleep–after eating no lunch or dinner. Then I have that little voice inside, the one that’s from cheesy 40s movies about plucky kids putting on a show to save whatever the hell needed saving in their tiny town, and the voice is telling me that if I stay up late and get to cleaning, maybe I can save what needs saving–it this case, my sanity, my marriage, my life.

Stay tuned to find out what I do.

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2 Responses to "Rock Bottom"

I was starting to wonder where you are.. Sorry to hear the girls were sick but hopefully they’re better now..

But i see that maybe you are not feeling your best these days.. I exactly know how it feels, when you think of the work ahead and feel like leaving it all behind and just sit and do nothing..

I do this.. a lot πŸ™‚ and I get distracted by the silliest of things..

But every once in a while, I just remember how good it made me feel to see the kitchen spotless, or the bedroom clean and spacious.. and then I try to get up and clean, and this time, try and keep it clean. I’m still trying πŸ™‚

I’m rooting for you. I like the voice in your head that is like the plucky kids who pull together and save day in their small town.

And remember, desperate times call for desperate measures. I vote that you spurge on a housecleaner, or a babysitter (so you can get out of the house)… whichever will make you feel better.

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